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Chapter 78 - Textual intercourse

Ben was walking through the location where he would meet Beluga and Antonio. ’If nothing else, this is a good spot to ride out a zombie apocalypse...’

The surroundings bustled with the noises of passing people. As Ben walked past a food stand, the aroma of baked pretzels attracted him. He stopped for a moment. A guy behind him wasn’t paying attention and bumped into Ben’s leg with his shopping bag, but kept walking without apologizing.

Ben only needed to view the store brand on the bag to solve the equation; ’Ed Hardy.’ It simplified to douche...

He was in a shopping mall in Brooklyn, the same one where he first approached girls with Beluga and Antonio.

’Maybe not as good as a prison...but this place will work. The key is to remember that while surrounded by zombies in a place like this, it’s never the horde that gets you; it’s the coward that gets infected and doesn’t tell anyone in case he "gets better..." Ben mused. "However, the solution is simple: hidden cameras in all the bathrooms...’

At random times, Ben’s mind would burst into apocalyptic survival simulations. Why? Because he was a man! And a fan of zombie stories! That was the combination’s natural outcome!

"Yo, Ben!" Antonio shouted from the front of a cafe.

Ben saw Antonio and Beluga waiting for him, so he walked over and greeted them. "Beluga, since you chose this place again, I take it you like doing daygame here?"

In his deep voice, Beluga replied, "I would’ve preferred the library but it’s closed now."

Ben squinted. "The library? But it’s hard for the women to talk."

Beluga smiled. "Exactly. They can’t scream..."

...

After taking half a half-step back on instinct, Ben was about to ask why that would matter. Then he remembered some of his failed openers with women cursing at him... ’Yea, those were as recent as yesterday.’

Beluga nodded. "I can see you understand me..."

’I wouldn’t go as far as saying that...’ Ben gulped.

Beluga looked into the distance. "In that situation, you can get real creative with your openers..."

"It’s why I got a library card!" Antonio added.

...

Ben blinked. ’Is this why our country’s students are doing so poorly in exams?’

The future of America was at risk...

Soon, the three ordered some drinks and sat down to catch up.

Ben tapped on the table. "I REALLY need to get laid in the next few days."

Antonio and Beluga glanced at each other, sharing the same thought. ’He went F*ckushima...hit by a nuclear thirst bomb...’

At that moment, Ben received a text. It was from Katie, the cute pink-haired anime lover. He was trying to schedule a date with her the next day. As Ben typed a text, Antonio grabbed his hand. "Whoa, whoa! What are you doin’ cuz? You tryin’ to self-circ.u.mcise?!?"

...

"What? I was going to reply." Ben didn’t understand.

Antonio sighed.

Beluga shook his head. "Benjamin, you don’t want to become forlorn..."

"What’s the problem?" Ben asked.

"Look cuz, it’s like this. You remember I told you chicks always imagine a dude in the most pitiful state possible?" Antonio asked.

Ben nodded. He recalled Antonio mentioning it the last time he texted Katie with him.

"Well, what does a chick think when a guy replies right away?" Antonio asked.

Ben scratched his chin. "He’s responsible and would be a good father?"

...

Antonio double face-palmed...

Beluga threw his hands up in the air...

After a while, Beluga explained. "Benjamin, why do you think there are so many single mothers? Is it because they’re attracted to men who would make good fathers?"

Ben scratched his head. "Isn’t it because of the system?"

...

Beluga stood up and walked in a circle...

Antonio yelled. "WHAT SYSTEM?!?"

Ben shrugged. "The system! The man! I don’t know!"

Antonio slapped the table. "Look!" He took a deep breath to calm down. "The reality is women ain’t attracted to responsible. They’re attracted to high status, good looks, game, and a busy guy with lots of options. So how busy could you be if you’re replyin’ to a chick’s randomly-timed text right away?"

Beluga sat back down. "When you do that, females imagine you sitting by the phone, waiting for their text like a sad puppy."

Ben’s eyes widened. He thought back to his text conversations over the past few weeks. He realized the dates that showed up were those he set up while doing something else. As a result, he didn’t come off eager in his replies. ’They’re right...’

Antonio held up 3 fingers. "The Three Minute Rule..."

"What’s that?" Ben blinked.

"It’s a rule I came up with on the best timing to reply to chicks in any textin’ situation," Antonio answered.

Beluga nodded. "You should listen to Antonio on this. As much as I know, I’ve never seen someone more gifted at using text game..."

Antonio narrowed his eyes. "Listen close cuz, I’m gonna tell you how to maximize your odds of settin’ dates over text. It’s the only way to go. Follow this advice...or you’ll be another soul lost in textation..."

Ben’s eyes flashed with dread as he imagined unclear conversations and motivations. "Another Bill Murray..." Then, he shook it off, and leaned in, his mind entering a state of rapt attention. He was ready...

It was time to learn the ins and outs of textual intercourse.